i hope the intended addressee gets to read this.
Kindly stare at that picture and read those words over and over again. Now, do you get my point? Do you understand now when I said that I might not be able to handle it? This is my first heartbreak. I have no idea how to get through it.
At 21, I got my heart broken by you. I know I am not too young. 21 is a legal age but that does not matter. What matters is the feeling you left me. That feeling is so excruciating. I could feel my heart being crushed and squeezed. It fell from its place towards my foot and had landed with a loud thud. I never knew that such pain could exist. And no, I am not exaggerating because for many weeks now, that pain is still there.
I’m really trying to go on with my life because I need to and that’s what you asked me to do. To hell with all my pleading and begging because those did not work. You just said, “You can do it. We can do it. Don’t think of the pain because nothing good will happen if you wallow in misery. It hurts me too.”
And you’re right! Nothing good happened. I just got so devastated that I often cried myself to sleep. I was always eager to go to bed because I wanted to sleep so bad- that’s when I forget the pain. But whenever I wake up, the pain automatically comes back again. I couldn’t even eat properly. I couldn’t taste the food. I wanted to eat a lot but I couldn’t even finish whatever is on my plate. I didn’t want to go to work because I would see you there. I couldn’t smile and laugh like how I used to. I couldn’t go back to normal! Although I wanted to, there were times that I just couldn’t. I was trying and pretending to be fine but I am afraid that it might take a long time. I’m pushing myself to be fine because I want to be fine but I constantly fail.
Everything was so fast, really. From close friends to a dating couple, it just happened really fast. We were very much going with the flow. We did not realize that we had been there with each other already. I did not realize that you were also slipping away. I was losing you and I had no idea how it happened.
There was one moment that I felt like I was losing you but I put the feeling aside because you would always go back. In the morning, everything was back to normal.
You know what makes it so goddamn painful and difficult? It’s the promises. I still remember them and for some reason, I still cling to them. You said a lot of things to me and I held on to them. I believed in them. I still do. Remember when you said that you will wait until I am ready to make everything official? Remember when you said that you will try your best to woo, court, and pursue me? Remember when you said that even though you are far away, you will still be here for me? Remember when you said that even if I give up, you will stay? Remember that when all these problems happened, I asked if we could at least be friends, and you said that you don’t see any problem with that? Do you still remember those? Or did you choose to forget?
Had I known that you were leaving, I should have not given you the liberty to even be friends with me or to even know my name. I would have walked away and I would have saved myself from this pain.
Now about the picture preceding this, do you understand that? The girl in the photo might actually remind you of me because of her hair- same curls. Am I a smart girl? I used to think that I am. I think I still am except in one aspect- love. When I fell for you, I became really stupid. I couldn’t really think properly. I was reckless. I was fine with breaking some of my parents’ rules. I would even side you on some decisions. I would choose not to do some things so that I could be there for you. I quite lost myself because I was giving it to you. I put my whole trust in you too. Whatever you said, I would believe. Did it really have to be that way? Did I need to be not smart?
You said you waited but you couldn’t anymore. Are you aware of how much that hurt? It felt like a slap. I felt like I was not good enough. I thought that I was not worth it- all your troubles, time, and love. I doubted myself and kept on asking what was wrong with me.
I had to try my best to understand what you were saying. Then you said it again, “I couldn’t take it anymore. I’m tired already. I can’t wait any longer. I don’t feel anything anymore.” And yet I stooped so low! I actually begged you to stay but you were so firm. I said I would wait until you get back to normal. But you were so decided and you did not want me any longer. I did not want to force myself to you so I agreed to let it all go. It hurt a lot because I’m no longer loved by you just when I realized that I really love you. And that, my dear, broke me into pieces.
I want to sever all my ties linked to you but I can’t. Your friends happen to be my friends too. Your office happens to be my office too. It’s just very hard to avoid you now but I want to be determined. I can’t back out now because I have decided too. Now, I’m on my way to accepting that some things work and some things don’t. I must let go of the past and start the next chapters of my life. I am letting go also of all the what-if’s and the it-might-have-been’s.
This is a really long letter already and I do not have any idea if you’ll be able to read this anyway. I hope you do. Now I want to move on and get on with my life. I want to be happier and better. I want to find the best version of me. I do not want to live in the past and keep on remembering how you used to be and what you were to me.
Yes, I was so mad at you. Maybe I still am but I really want to thank you actually, most especially for the happy memories. I also appreciate that I get to learn from this since this made me a bit more mature. You’ve taught me lots of things and I want you to know how appreciated you still are.
Good luck and God bless.
*I got the photos from Tumblr.
someone who will stay
and it did. :(
i hope you get to read this.
i want you to read this.
but that is too much to ask, i know.
unfair, selfish, and tragic. that’s how it is.
sad, longing, and weak. that’s how i am.
i want this please!
how many times have i mentioned that i want to have balloons with ribbons tied to them? that is the dream! i’ll put them all in my room and wonder what I’ll do with them. in the end, i’ll just keep staring and smiling.
they’re just so pretty kasi.
But you’re asking for too much.
i think i looked just like the above photo for the past three nights. the only difference is, well, i’m a girl and yet i pulled a popoy. yes, the pout, the tears, the stare at nowhere (because the memories start to resurface).
but i feel a bit better now. i’m just praying and crossing my fingers that good things will start to take over. hello, i’ve had enough headaches to last for a month. it’s just so frustrating and sad at the same time.
here’s to conquering all the challenges that i have to face. :)
and here’s to taking chances. :D
my heart is still beating fast. i’m so nervous. i don’t know how i will start tomorrow. all tears have dried up.
maybe things will get better eventually. i’m exhausted. it’s about time to think things first and take it one day at a time.
still, my heart beats fast. i must calm down and relax.
An Abundance of Katherines- John Green
so my brother has this “i must read all john green” books thing and was done with this. (side story: i paid for this bribe.) so i read this and was sadly not too hooked.
no offense to anybody who loved this but i got annoyed that colin was very eager in finding the theorem for relationships. i know that that is what this novel is all about but his devotion to the theorem was really disturbing. i was quite sure that he knew or at least felt, right from the very start, the he wouldn’t be able to predict the future of relationships.
the good things are:
- i got a math refresher. awesome!
- the footnotes are really cool!
- the very cool trivias
this book is still good but i favor “the fault in our stars” more.
(C) google images